Serious Business
by MissFeral
Summary: Batman and Robin defeat The Penguin. Based on the 1966 Batman TV series starring Adam West and Burt Ward. Please read and review.


It all started out as an ordinary afternoon in Gotham City. Bruce Wayne was relaxing in his mansion, reclining on the couch and reading a newspaper. Young Dick was busy reading _The Merchant of Venice_ by William Shakespeare. Aunt Harriet came into the parlor, carrying a tray of homemade oatmeal cookies and two glasses of milk. She set the snacks on a small table and walked over to Dick.

"Are you enjoying that book, Dick?" she asked, sweetly.

"It's required reading, Aunt Harriet. Required reading is always a bore," the young man replied.

Bruce glanced up from his newspaper. "Dick, you're reading from one of Shakespeare's timeless classics. Why, he is widely considered the greatest writer of all time. _The Merchant of Venice_ is a masterpiece. Do you mind if see that book for a moment?"

"Go ahead," Dick replied, handing the book to Bruce.

Bruce flipped through the pages until he came to Act 3, Scene 1, Page 3. Then he read aloud from part of that scene…

" _If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?"_

Dick thought about this quote for a moment, becoming ashamed of how he had dissed the great Shakespeare.

"I guess you're right, Bruce. I should appreciate reading that book."

Bruce smiled and gave the book back to Dick. "Good thinking."

Suddenly, Alfred walked into the parlor and whispered to Bruce, "It's the Batphone, sir."

Bruce and Dick looked at each other, immediately jumping to their feet. The pair rushed to the bright red phone and Bruce picked it up quickly. "Yes, what is it?"

"It's The Penguin again," replied Commissioner Gordon.

"We're on our way."

Bruce and Dick wasted no time. They ran to their poles and slid down into the Batcave, becoming the superheroes Batman and Robin. Then they leaped into the Batmobile and sped away.

Soon they arrived at Police Headquarters and were greeted by the Commissioner as they entered his office.

"Oh Batman, the most dreadful thing has happened," Commissioner Gordon said, "A little girl has just been kidnapped from the playground. We found an umbrella left in her place which tells us that Penguin is behind all this."

"Do you have any idea why she was kidnapped?" asked Batman.

"Her father is the billionaire Calvin Waldore. We can only assume she is being held for ransom."

"Can I see the umbrella?"

"Of course." Commissioner Gordon reached down for a moment, and then produced a simple black umbrella with a long handle.

Batman took the umbrella to examine it, hoping to find some sort of clue.

"Hey, what's that?" asked Robin, pointing to something dark green dangling from the handle of the umbrella.

Batman picked up the floppy green thing and sniffed it.

"It's seaweed," he announced.

"Where do you suppose it came from, Batman?" asked Commissioner Gordon.

"Probably either from a restaurant or straight from the ocean," said Robin.

"I believe there is an old seafood restaurant across town," Batman spoke, still clutching the piece of seaweed. "It's been out of business for weeks but I think it would make a great hideout for the Penguin and his finks."

"Holy Fish Food, Batman! We better go check it out right away!"

"Right you are, Robin." With that, the Dynamic Duo took off and dashed back to the Batmobile. Batman started the engine and they sped towards the abandoned seafood restaurant.

Meanwhile…

"How long are we gonna keep that kid around, boss? Her whining gives me a headache."

"I already explained it to you several times, you imbecile. We keep the brat until her old coot brings us twenty million," Penguin explained to one of his henchmen.

"Wow…Twenty million smackers!" said the henchman, wistfully.

"That's right, my little gosling," Penguin said with a malicious grin.

"What are you going to do with all that bread, boss?"

"We shall see, Dove. We shall see."

The black-donned henchman began yapping about what he planned to do with his share of the money while Penguin fumbled with his cigarette holder, barely listening. The criminal leader was busy daydreaming about getting his grubby flippers on all those millions. It was like a dream come true. Not even that darn Batman would foil his plans this time.

Or so he thought.

At that moment, Batman and Robin burst into the restaurant and ordered the gang to surrender.

"Alright Penguin, reach for the sky!"

"Yeah! We've got you trapped!"

Penguin glared at the two masked superheroes. "Quick, my Fine-Feathered Finks! ATTACK THEM!"

What followed was a battle full of POWS! ZONKS! BAMS! Flying fists and smashing chairs. Taking out the henchmen was a piece of cake for Batman and Robin. Soon the only criminal still standing was the Penguin himself.

Batman took out a pair of handcuffs and approached the villainess man.

"You'll never take me alive, Batman!" Penguin shouted, as he ran away in the direction of the kitchen.

"Robin, go look around and see if you can find the girl. I'll take care of the Penguin."

"Right, Batman!"

Then Batman ran into the large kitchen which still smelled like fish, shrimp, and seaweed. The Penguin was trying to hide himself under a table, but Batman saw his butt sticking out.

"Okay Penguin, Hide-and-Seek is over. You're under arrest."

"You're not taking me downtown, Batman!" Penguin crawled out from under the table and tried to run away again, but Batman grabbed him from behind and flung him onto the table.

"The only place you're going is to jail," said Batman, as he straddled Penguin and cuffed his hands and ankles to the four corners of the table.

"Curses! Curses!" Penguin shouted, struggling against his restraints. He was lying spread-eagle on the table, unable to move an inch. He was feeling quite stretched out, but not particularly uncomfortable. Batman leaned close to his face and prepared to grill him.

Robin came into the kitchen, looking pretty baffled. "Batman, I can't find a trace of that little girl."

Batman narrowed his eyes as he stared at the captured Penguin. "Where is the little girl, Penguin? What did you do with her?"

Penguin scoffed. "You think I'd tell you? Bah! That brat is my ticket to twenty million dollars!"

"Tell us where she is or you'll be sorry!" barked Robin.

"Don't even bother trying to grill me, Boy Wonder. My lips are sealed!"

Robin turned to his partner. "How are we going to unseal those lips, Batman?"

"I have an idea," Batman said, smiling slightly.

"You'll get nothing out of me!" Penguin insisted, staring hatefully at the Dynamic Duo. He was still trying in vain to free himself from the restraints.

Batman walked over to Penguin's feet and removed his shoes and socks.

"What are you going to do, Batman?" asked Robin.

"You'll see," Batman replied.

Penguin was now extremely confused. He stopped struggled to gaze at his bare feet. What could Batman possibly have in mind?

Batman reached into his utility belt and produced a long, stiff, white feather!

"Are your feet ticklish, Penguin?"

Penguin's eyes filled with horror.

"Holy Foot Fetish, Batman! You can't be serious!" cried Robin.

"On the contrary, Robin, I am very serious. This is very serious business," Batman explained, "We are going to tickle Penguin until he tells us the location of the abducted child."

"N-Now wait a minute…," Penguin said, stammering. "I-I'm sure we can be reasonable about this, can't we?"

Robin laughed. "Hey Batman, look at Penguin! He's nervous! Oh man, I've got to have a piece of the action. Let me at those feet!" Robin moved forward and began tickling Penguin's bare soles.

The Penguin squealed girlishly and burst into a fit of laughter. He hated himself for laughing but he couldn't control himself. He had always been ridiculously ticklish on his feet…and now his worst enemies knew his humiliating weakness! This was absolutely the most horrible day of his life.

"Kitchy kitchy koo!" teased Robin with a huge grin.

"WAUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! STOP TICKLING ME!" Penguin pleaded through his hysterical trademark laughter.

"Tell us where the child is," ordered Batman.

Still, Penguin refused to reveal the information. So, the tickle torture continued…

Robin claimed the left foot and Batman claimed the right one. Robin scribbled his fingers on the villain's heel and balls of his foot. Then the boy started scratching along his instep. Batman used his feather to stroke and glide between Penguin's wiggling toes. The Penguin's screeches echoed off the walls and vibrated the objects in the room. His face turned bright red and tears rolled down his cheeks.

"Y-YOU'RE KILLING ME! WAUGH WAUGH WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I-I'LL TALK! I'LL TALK!"

"You'll tell us where you hid the girl?" asked Batman, as he dragged the feather back and forth between Penguin's big toe and the next toe.

"OOOH PLEASE! YES! HEEEHEEHEHEHEHEE! I'LL TELL! JUST WAUGHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LEAVE MY FEET ALONE!" screamed the hapless villain.

Batman and Robin stopped tickling him. They gave him several minutes to catch his breath before they questioned him again.

"T-There's a secret compartment…," he managed to say.

"Where?"

"In the floor…behind the…the…"

"Never mind. We'll find it. Come on, Robin." The two masked heroes ran back into the other room and began searching for a trap door.

Batman soon found the small door in a corner of the room, under a woolly rug. He and Robin pried the door open and peered down into the little room below.

There stood a sweet little girl with curly brown hair and a pink dress. She stared up at the two strangers with watery blue eyes.

"Do not fear us," Batman told her, gently. "We're here to bring you home."

Robin reached down and pulled the child from her tiny prison. She wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him a big, sloppy kiss on the cheek.

Batman made sure the little girl got home safely before he turned Penguin and his thugs over to the authorities.

Later that evening, Batman and Robin returned home, becoming Bruce and Dick again. While they waited for dinner to be ready, Dick went back to reading _The Merchant of Venice._ Bruce joined him on the couch, holding a cup of fresh black coffee in his hand.

Dick glanced at Bruce, smirking. "Boy, I sure had fun today."

Bruce smiled and took a sip of his coffee. "Well, keep in mind that crime-fighting isn't always fun. It's serious business, Dick. Remember that."

"I know but…," Dick started giggling.

"What's so funny?"

"The Penguin is ticklish! I just love that!"

Bruce chuckled. "Well, maybe we'll get him again sometime."

"I can't wait!" Dick said.

The End


End file.
